transparency

Real transparency.

Its kind of shocking.

No one needs to know my struggles.

But when I overcome them, I want to remember the journey.

So here goes.

Since high school, maybe earlier I have struggled with weight issues.  Its probably more of a problem with how I see myself than actual extra weight.  Don't get me wrong there has always been weight to lose but that was never the true problem.  The thoughts in my brain were the problem.  By the end of college I had battled those demons, and pretty much won.  I began, for the most part, to just go with the flow.  Not let my mood be determined my the number on the clothes tag. Although - the smaller the number the better - pretty sure I still felt that way!

When Art and I married he thought I was beautiful! He still does, bless his heart.  Yes, he notices my extra 25 pounds I still have from having William, but he has a son - I think its a fair trade!

Before kiddos I worked as a personal trainer.  In the gym all day long.  I knew all the best workout moves.  All the best eating tips.  And yet I still struggled with my appearance, working out as best I could and eating well.  What was my deal?  I would get so down on myself that I would just eat more.  Or skip another workout.  Or even worse, talk bad about myself to my new husband.  Rude!!!  The problem with all that is that God made me for more than this.  He does not intend for me to spend my days consumed or worrying about this kind of non sense.  I cannot imagine how I would feel if my own daughter came in (who I had a small hand in making) saying she was ugly, or fat, or worthless.  It would break my heart.  And it probably does the same to my Heavenly Father - OUR Heavenly Father.  He created us in His image.  I am fearfully and wonderful made.  That is just plain truth.

So what then?  Just be 15 or 25 or 35 pounds over weight and be happy?  Maybe.  If I am doing what I can to be healthy, sure.  But am I?  Oh no.  Not by a long shot.  Do I have an excuse right now?  Sure, probably.  Is it hard to get to the gym with three kids?  Yep - but it was hard when I had none.  Is it difficult to eat perfectly - oh heck to the yes - but will it get easier - no.  And does every choice have an impact? Sure does.

My sweet friend sent me a wonderful book.  Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  Maybe you have heard of it.  I haven't finished it yet, but am already recommending to many.  My hope and prayer is that it will take me where I long to go.  To get to the point where my unhealthy relationship with food is defeated.  And what begins to consume my thoughts is not my daily food intake but my God.  

As weird as this is to announce this to the world (or the 5 people who read my blog) I want to just get it off my shoulders.  Meet my weakness head on.  Y'all, I love food.  I wake up thinking about what I can eat.  Obsess over every meal.  As soon as one is done, I am thinking of the next.  More often than not I feel guilty over what I have eaten.  Beat myself up about it.  Then think, " oh well, screwed up today, may as well enjoy it." and then head off to the next unhealthy meal.  Gross.  Its an endless cycle.  And not what I was made for. Not by a long shot.

All this time being consumed by food needs to be consumed with something else.  But what could be better than food?  Only one thing really - our God.  He's the only thing that can satisfy.

So here starts my journey.  Not just to lose weight, but to be healthy. To be who He has made me to be.  I truly think that when I shed this burden, and give up and let God be my portion, my eyes will be opened to Him more and more along the way.  I am pumped about this!

How should I record this journey?

I am still thinking.

Food diary?  Weight loss records?  What He is teaching me?  Daily struggles?

Hm...might need some counsel on this one.

I have been eating better for 4 days now and let me tell you - game changer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Lord, you made me to perform better, feel better, think more clearly when I feed this miracle of a body better than I have been!  Thank you for teaching me this!  Its a process.  I am learning!